Omg!
As in really OMG!
Seeing him and reading those emails are not helping. Its so unhealthy that it makes me back in love with him, ive to say this time!
To my surprised when I was rearranging my email folders, I found the lil folder that I created long ago named "Rupert Chen", gosh... I don't even remember I created it. Reading every single emails made me realize how much have I grown up from an innocent lil gal to somewhat more intelligent, sophisticated, classy young lady now. But it also triggers my emotion, I can bet my life that he has deleted all my emails to him long ago. The contents from him are so loving... it almost manages to made me cry for happiness. I wonder what he sees in me back then.. those things that I wrote are so immature.
The one that I wrote about my suspicion of my pregnancy and his replies... got me weak. The more I read and recall back our memories together, the more I want him back. I'm thinking if the feeling is mutual. My mission when I meet him next is to find out what he feels for me now, and whats the reason of him asking me out lately, its that out of his boredom? out of lust? out of friendship... friends with benefits? or the same way I feel for him now...? Its gonna be tough, but Ive learn not to give up things and people that I love.
We will see...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Its still for him
It is still for him....
For him, I rescheduled my planned activities,
For him, I skipped my Uni's cultural night so that he could ask me out if he wants to,
For him, I told everyone that I am not free this weekend so that I could give him all my time,
For him, I got disappointed when he fails to turn up,
For him, I weep!
And all I got is a simple text message, telling me again and again for two days in a row that he can't make it because he was stuck in the jungle the 1st day during his hike, and he has a family gathering on the next day.
But everytime he stands me up, he will make sure he tells me when is the nxt time he would love to see me. This gives me a false hope, that he doesnt sees me as just a friend, as he constantly tries to make up for me, i.e. he just promises to buy movie tix for the both of us, n dinner & drinks on him this coming wednesday. I think that I am experienced enough to see and determine what is pure friendship and whats not.
The more we contact each other, the more I want him back. Thank God for my ego and great selective memory. What he did to me, how he gave up on our relationship, how sulky he made me feel back then stops me from showing him that I still care, I still love, and I miss him.
For him, I rescheduled my planned activities,
For him, I skipped my Uni's cultural night so that he could ask me out if he wants to,
For him, I told everyone that I am not free this weekend so that I could give him all my time,
For him, I got disappointed when he fails to turn up,
For him, I weep!
And all I got is a simple text message, telling me again and again for two days in a row that he can't make it because he was stuck in the jungle the 1st day during his hike, and he has a family gathering on the next day.
But everytime he stands me up, he will make sure he tells me when is the nxt time he would love to see me. This gives me a false hope, that he doesnt sees me as just a friend, as he constantly tries to make up for me, i.e. he just promises to buy movie tix for the both of us, n dinner & drinks on him this coming wednesday. I think that I am experienced enough to see and determine what is pure friendship and whats not.
The more we contact each other, the more I want him back. Thank God for my ego and great selective memory. What he did to me, how he gave up on our relationship, how sulky he made me feel back then stops me from showing him that I still care, I still love, and I miss him.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Nostalgia
I'm in a shittiest situation once again after so long! I thought that i've moved on... but a nite out... after our break up, proves me wrong!
I've tried so hard to suppressed myself from falling back to him, by reminding myself how much a bastard he used to be when we were together. How he said mean words to me on purpose just to hurt my feelings. How much he made me feel so stressful and at one time suicidal when I was with him and after our relationship.
But damn, I'm experiencing this bittersweet longing for him again aft spending the whole nite with him at his place! It was great catching up for dinner, and initially I felt comfy with him around, but nothing sexual and romantic... it was very much like a night out with a long time friend. It was a wrong decision that I;ve made to agree to go to his place for drinks.
The moment when he looked at me straight in the eyes, when we were lying on the floor together, I knew I'm in trouble cause my heart was pumping so fast!The moment when we talked about what happened back then in our relationship.. after 8 months of our break up still made me weep. The moment he kissed me, it all tells me that I've not gotten over him, the desire of longing for him, wasnt disappear, it was just merely repressed. The moment we make out and make love, got me so emotionally depressed now because I know we can never be together again, and what's worst, I miss being with him. I miss having him around, I miss being in a relationship with him. I MISS HIM!
I've tried so hard to suppressed myself from falling back to him, by reminding myself how much a bastard he used to be when we were together. How he said mean words to me on purpose just to hurt my feelings. How much he made me feel so stressful and at one time suicidal when I was with him and after our relationship.
But damn, I'm experiencing this bittersweet longing for him again aft spending the whole nite with him at his place! It was great catching up for dinner, and initially I felt comfy with him around, but nothing sexual and romantic... it was very much like a night out with a long time friend. It was a wrong decision that I;ve made to agree to go to his place for drinks.
The moment when he looked at me straight in the eyes, when we were lying on the floor together, I knew I'm in trouble cause my heart was pumping so fast!The moment when we talked about what happened back then in our relationship.. after 8 months of our break up still made me weep. The moment he kissed me, it all tells me that I've not gotten over him, the desire of longing for him, wasnt disappear, it was just merely repressed. The moment we make out and make love, got me so emotionally depressed now because I know we can never be together again, and what's worst, I miss being with him. I miss having him around, I miss being in a relationship with him. I MISS HIM!
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